Love Is A Possible Mission
“In my opinion, the article was not necessarily about our relationship, but explored the struggle of many men who face the challenge of loving women in roles of which they have traditionally been excluded. Everything we do, no matter how much money is paid or what title possessed, we put forth our best efforts because we want to make us proud.”
My husband is what I call a “functional reader.” If you have ever approached the checkout lane in any hardware store and wondered who reads the 500-page “BATHROOMS 3-2-1 Guide”, t-h-e-r-r-e-ya’-go. Throughout our marriage there were many attempts to introduce him to articles I cut out from the New York Times, books written by TaNahisi Cotes or bougiehetto reads by Charlamagne the God; but he summed them all up to be social dramas that do not, “hit the bottom line.” The books always sit on the shelf until I get frustrated enough to read them, then I make futile attempts to press the issue by highlighting excerpts for him to think about and elicit his opinion; only to provide a full summary of the whole thing for an hour or two anyway…all before going to bed.
Last year, for Valentine’s day, my functional reader, and therefore, a writer of not more than images, math figures, and his signature; expressed his love for me by sharing the story of us for the purpose of helping others struggling to balance gender roles in their marriage. The beauty of his piece, is that he loves how much I need him. He put his “non-readin’-non-writin’” self out there for me and I will cherish that for the rest of my life. I was truly impressed, which is rather impossible to do. There are women who have husbands with loads of money and a great title, but who will never fall on a sword, perform tasks they hate or exploit a possible skill deficit, to love their wife. There are men out there so consumed with what other men think about status, power and money, that they neglect to covet what their wife believes and loves about their soul.
My husband claims that he is married to a woman that is strong, ambitious and successful. While I may be those things, I do not know what he is talking about…
When people asked my intended occupation as a little girl, I gave generic answers, which changed upon the suggestion of some well-meaning new teacher who failed to realize that people called me “space cadet.” I never said, I want to be:
Strong [“She-Ra”-nope, always been a little chunky],
Ambitious [“you go back out there and get your ball back!”]; or,
Successful [“I finished my homework before my parents tried to get involved”].
I am perceived to have a strong personality, when all I really am is curious and dedicated to the idea of trying at the risk of succeeding or failing. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to have a friend that supported my desire to try a lot of crazy stuff. That “space cadet” although not always helpful (she will check out of a bad conversation quick), has allowed us to have some of the greatest experiences, like the time I reenacted a war scene in the middle of the New Zealand War Museum. All that to say, he’s my best friend, so when I tell stories or run-down renditions of events in my professional life, my husband gives me the side-eye, conducts a fact check and clarifies if I really said something or if I thought it, and am now disclosing the “what I wanted to say” moment.
People call him “First husband”, “Mr. Ms. Mayor” or self-correct a handshake upon assuming that the Mayor is male and that my husband is him, but I think my husband is more tickled when people recognize the mistake, than insulted. The real challenge is being the sleepy-eyed spouse, who worked a 10-hour day; took boy #1 to swim practice, setting aside a dinner plate for me, finished the diorama project with boy #2, fought with boy #3 for a much shorter bed time story than last night’s and still comes to bed pretending to enjoy a discussion that should be held with social scientists. My husband patiently listens to my speech fourteen (14) times, knowing that he has to show up to whatever event and listen to the same speech as if it was his first time hearing it because it will not go well if I do not see his face.
The sum of all fears is that I am safe, we are safe…together. I have lost my way, been afraid to leave the house, questioned my confidence, risked my freedom, and lost friends who, he knew, were always acquaintances. I know that no matter what happens to me out in the world, our house is the place where he will be and I am safe. There is so much pressure being a woman employed in a non-traditional occupation, yet when you emerge from the margins there is a responsibility to maintain any spiritual, emotional, material or physical gains you and your partner have acquired; and those are what I argue are the strength, the ambition and the success of which he speaks.
I loved it when my husband talked about vulnerabilities in his piece, “Love on A Mission”. My husband is the only person in the world who I am confident is not trying to “steal” from me. “Stealing” from someone is any attempt to “one up” the other person through forms of jealousy or unnecessary comparison. It is a horrible feeling when you walk into a room and realize that people want nothing more than to steal your power and that the power they want, you may not even realize you have. God places the most important people and experiences in your life; and all people, even toxic people, come with value, something to teach and to help each of us develop skills sets that others, want to take credit for creating. No one should feel this with their spouse or partner and we must be careful about how we treat each other in attempts to live.
Our relationship is built by trust, but we worked hard to get there. Oppression is very real, it hurts and it does show its face in the home, which can destroy trust. Oppression does not have an identity, gender or social status, so sometimes acts of oppression are impressed by the same sex, gender, etc. Take away images of women in more glamorous professions and think about women who are Master Plumbers or Crane Operators; then imagine those women not having an opportunity to work at a site due to the lack of female bathrooms or receiving incredulous stares about their sexuality while picking up their kids from school or showing up to PTA in Dickies. I wouldn’t want someone questioning my husband and his love for me based on his profession, why should men not be equally offended? As an educator, I learned that the students who performed the best in school, were children of parents who included them in familial chores, family decisions, spoke positive words of affirmation, explored the world through discussion and just enjoyed time. It baffles me how people fail to realize that those same needs are required of and needed by our spouse. No one needs help feeling bad or insecure, I am pretty sure that every other person has that covered.
One thing we’ve learned to see differently is money, which to us is an exchange of energy and ephemeral. Maybe it is because we have had some of the worst experiences in our marriage because of it, but money (and also titles) is something that does not deserve so much attachment. We know couples (barely making it) who are extremely happy and some (swimming in Moolah!) who are just miserable; the common theme for those who are miserable is that they remain in bad relationships for the money. Yes, there were financial burdens when my husband lost his job and was left unemployed for three (3) years, with three (3) kids and a mortgage, but the blessing came in the form of his ability to be in and out of hospitals and visiting specialists for our ailing son during the first years of his life. He secured grant funding to pay bills, helped his friend organize his finances at his company, assisted children with special needs afterschool, managed the household, incessantly looked for work, and supported my crazy schedule.
Although I was the one fortunate to have a “steady” job (whatever that means), no one can ever tell me that my husband was not a provider or that I was not protected and loved during that difficult time.
My husband loves me and I have loved my husband my entire life. I have yet to meet one person who has not grown to appreciate his “velvet hammer” and his ability to meet people wherever they are. I appreciate how he knows all that I am, all that I am not, all that I do, and all that I do not, yet remains dedicated to grow and learn more about us tomorrow.
In my opinion, the article was not necessarily about our relationship, but explored the struggle of many men who face the challenge of loving women in roles of which they have traditionally been excluded. Everything we do, no matter how much money is paid or what title possessed, we put forth our best efforts because we want to make us proud.
Needless to say, I fail at performing somethings, returning phone calls or not selling enough cookies for PTA, every week, well…every day. However, I am free to express my vulnerabilities and failures here because my husband recognizes these efforts as my pursuit to be my best self, which also serves his higher self as explained below by Viktor Frankl,
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.” – Man’s Search for Meaning (1946)
My husband taught me how to love, trust and to have just a little more patience so that things can work towards the light. It all comes down to one question, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
Since being right is conditional, choose happiness.