Transitions to Trust
Transition is hard. Within these past couple of months I’ve been in transition from starting a new job to my eldest son moving back in with me as a college freshmen. These two transitions have been tough to balance not just the duties and pressures as a father relearning fatherhood up close and personal through the lens of my son. Plus, the role of my new position, which means new people and processes I’m relearning at work. The mental and emotional strain that having to set rules, guidelines, culture and having to make the final decision even when things are uncomfortable has been tough.
However, within these couple of months before my eldest son came to live with me and when I took the new leadership position. I just got out of a long term dating relationship. Which is also a transition. Imagine when these moments come up having a person to listen to you or even notice the tiredness of your day and even talk you through some things. Then to lose that is a difficult transition. When my son called to stay with me, I was looking forward to my son moving in with me. When the new job opened up, I was looking forward to my new job, but when the young lady I was dating called and said we are moving in different directions. I didn’t see that coming. Better yet I sense it, but I didn’t want that day to come to my door step. Why you may ask? Being a parent and even a co-parent with my ex-wife, in the dating arena I’ve struggled with the ability to discern and define what true friendship, dating and a real relationship looks and feels like with women. At times as a man who is dating, the challenge I faced is cutting off the emotions to get to know the core of a person. Though our culture focuses more on self-care and self-awareness the dating process tends to feel selfish and personal as opposed to interpersonal. There seems to be a lack of empathy, balance, boundaries and overall rhythm in how one flows in and out of relationships; and ultimately each other’s lives. I tend to believe people aren’t created to journey in and out of emotional, spiritual and physical connection like a doorway. Our elder generation would say take off your shoes stay awhile. The problem that I see is we are having a trouble choosing the right or have the tools on how to choose the right people to stay in our emotional safe spaces.
For me, I’ve had amazing conversations, dates and moments with women which would in my mind and heart constitute something that isn’t just authentic but also long standing. These thoughts and feelings have gone beyond the superficial emotional rush, and digs into two people having real life moments where spiritual, mental and emotional setbacks and growth have taking place. Not just for me but on both but her too. Plus, the lens I screen my relationships through isn’t near sighted but far sighted (long term) even when things become shaky. I tend to think relationships are like a journey or marathon.
“RIP NIP” The Marathon Continues~
While many of my interactions have in the dating scene have been sprinters. The truth is many relationships are seasonal and we have to enjoy and learn in those moments and seasons with people we’ve built a bond with. The question is can we make healthy dating decisions when we continuously start and stop so much in friendships and relationships.
As for my son and I our seasons may have changed but how we are learning to adjust to the transition has been a challenge in reconnecting with one another. In these past couple of years I’ve known my son from a certain perspective within the confines of living together especially during his pre-teen years. Now he’s 18 and in his mind he believes he’s an adult. Looking back to this age I thought I was too. Only to realize now that I really wasn’t. Those years do go by fast, so my goal is for him to enjoy them while educating himself. I remember at the age of 18, my first semester in college driving to school listening to Jay-Z’s Hard Knock Life and Tribe Called Quest Love Movement CD that I bought on September 28, 1998. Which my son can’t relate to at all; because he’s streaming on ITunes. Wait! He couldn’t even consider waiting at Sam Goody for an album to drop! That would be so foreign to him. Now, don’t forget on that same day those classic albums dropped, Black Star (Are Black Star) & OutKast’s Aquemini dropped too. Some would argue that day for hip hop was one of the greatest release dates of all time. So, while talking to my son about rap and the era I was groomed to know; it shocked me when he said, A-Boogie with Da Hoodie” was his favorite rapper. I felt as though I missed some fathering with this answer. When I asked, “Why?” He responded, “Because the things that A-Boogie went through with girls I could relate too”. Now, coming from my era, I fully didn’t get A-Boogie. Have I not taught him about Biggie, Pac, Jay-Z or Nas? Wow! We really have to reconnect. A-Boogie? At first, I thought he was just a mumble rapper. Then I heard a couple of songs that he wrote and I saw he can really rap. I listened, and listened some more. I started to become intrigued with him. Then I listened to his interview with DJ Vlad and I learned more about him.
What A-Boogie Taught Me
A couple of things that really caused me to listen to A Boogie was; First and foremost I’m making an effort to connect with my son. To get to know him I have to understand his context, language (content) and the culture of his generation, community and peers. With that being said every generation of men and women no matter what the language is we always try to understand and speak the language of love, especially within the context of relationships. No matter if it’s parents, dating, marriage, friend or foe. We try to define the nuances of love between two or more people. Hopefully, within this process my son and I can gain better perspective of one another’s thoughts and emotions so he can grow into the Man of Destiny he’s called to be and I can be the Father that he needs even when he thinks he’s grown.
While, I was bringing my son to school to take his Mid-Term. I didn’t know I would be the one who would be tested. Let’s start with last week I had to speak at a church, to group of men, ironically at a church where my ex young lady I was dating attends. This was unintentionally set up because my goal is to empower men. However, knowing this is her church, I walked in late because the men’s meeting was after the church service. I sat in the back because it was the end of service. While the pastor was saying the benediction to dismiss, I see my ex out the corner of my eye. My heart beats and I’m asking the question is she going to speak or act like she doesn’t see me. Now, I’m in the mindset and space of A-Boogie’s song “Unhappy” that really caught my attention. In this song he talks about running into his ex and she’s throwing subs (subliminals) at him. In this instant we see each other and it’s either ignore her or she ignore me and we both keep it moving. We didn’t throw any (subs) subliminals at eachother and we spoke. I made it through.
Fast Forward to just under a week later we see each other again. This time, I had an business meeting for a pop up shop I’m about to do in Jersey. Before the meeting starts, while talking to the owner. I asked her where did she get her food from. She told me, “a couple doors down” and she said “hurry up because they’re about to close”. And that’s exactly what I did. As I’m about to order my Mango Supreme Smoothie who do I see out the corner of my eye. MY EX! Last week when I saw her she was with one of her female friends in church. Not today she wasn’t! She was on a date. This was the test.
A. Do I ignore her and act like I don’t see her & throw a sub (subliminal) like A Boogie
B. Speak and Keep it Moving
C. Pay For Their Meal at Lunch (Petty)
What would you do?
Now as a divorced man and a father of 4 children, personally when I’m in relationship with women and people in general, it’s difficult to dissolve it. Better yet it’s difficult to separate the emotion and feeling of the past, in contrast to where you are or could be if you just worked through some things. Especially, in those relationships where you’ve seen growth in the other person’s life and experienced growth in your life too. With this being said sometimes I’m learning we outgrow people or person can outgrow us. I’m learning it’s ok to move on.
Now, my son has me listening to A Boogie, so I want know him more. Which caused me to watch his interviews. As I’m listening to an interview with DJ Vlad I honestly took away some gems that he stated to help him move on. In this interview A Boogie shares how he was in a relationship with a young lady who was pregnant when they were dating to find out the baby wasn’t his. This is messiness at its best but the truth of it is. He experienced trauma. When men or anyone goes through this type trauma they can become numb to relationships to protect themselves. In this case A-Boogie shared a couple of things that he did that help him to move.
He started writing
Writing is a form therapy. In this era of people trying to be a rapper to make money. I believe we have to stop telling our boys, young men and men to stop rhyming. It’s poetry and it’s art which could be a mental and emotional outlet for our men. We’ve become so caught up in using rap as a way to make money that we’ve lost the art sharing and telling our stories. Though I’m not a proponent of many of these lyrics, we have to applaud the men who are using this as a form expression to release the hurt, pain, guilt and shame; even the triumph and joy the practice of writing brings.
As men what writing causes us to do is:
Instead of reacting right away it causes us to consider our thoughts and feelings. “There’s a quote that says the pen is mightier the sword”. When we are hurt or angry writing things out forces us to reflect.
It gives you the opportunity to say what you really want to say. When you write certain things out. You can write all the words and feelings that you might not want other people to hear or see. Your writing can be just for you.
Writing also marks time. The feelings you have today aren’t always going to be the feelings and thoughts you have tomorrow. When you write something today in 30 days you can be able to track your growth.
2. A-Boogie started singing.
In this interview A-Boogie shared that after this traumatic incident with this young lady, he started to sing. Not until Drake, is where we started to notice rappers singing more. My era of hip hop though rap had melodic sounds at times, men who were premier rappers didn’t sing because the image made them look soft. This new generation views it differently and it should be respected.
The benefits of singing.
Lowers Stress levels
Causes people to come together
When a people sing creates community
People to be on one accord
Releases endorphins
Causes people to smile
Release Pain
Creates a space for expression with the ability to use and extract deep untapped feelings and emotions.
Gives a form spiritual expression.
Attracts what you want
3. Focus
This traumatic experience caused A-Boogie to focus more on himself. When there are times we feel as if we don’t have an answer to how someone treated us, take the power from them you focusing on you. We should focus more on ourselves on an individual basis. Because when we focus it increases our to get more what we need. Especially when our focus is developing our personal ability to improve, apologize and forgive. A-Boogie realized his ex was in an unhealthy space which caused him confusion, where clarity was needed. Focus causes:
Clarity: when things are clear confusion has no room. Clarity also brings order. Clarity also has boundaries.
Elevation: To focus raises the bar on how you see yourself and who you hang with.
Opportunities: doors of opportunity opened up when A-Boogie became clear on his talent and path. When we focus on the right person, place or thing opportunities become clearer also.
When I saw her I chose C. I spoke to her and gave her a hug, but it was tough. As I write this now, I want you know that transition is tough. No matter what is, who it’s with or when it shows up. You have to unlearn some patterns & habits to acquire some new ones. There is another side of transition that makes the transition worthwhile. However, don’t run from it. Trust yourself and the tools that have been given to you.